Filing for divorce. Two more weeks go by with no contact. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. Your wife had a 20 year affair, and you believe it was none of her fault? Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. You should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? My H and her had very similar personality. I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. Her husband and her husband's lover promise her that they won't see each other again after she discovered their relationship. Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. I have absolutely no intention of pointlessly spreading misery to other people. Letting the cheater have the affair partner. Space Is Limited. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. She vowed to leave him and told me she had divorce papers ready to go. Two days later because I was in the same town as she was I text her and asked if she would be willing to meet for coffee. So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! Dont ever contact the ow . Please log in OR register. No. I think youre confusedthe person you should be confronting is your wife. She is the one who is cheating, she is the one who has to accountable. T You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. As soon as I told her, she didnt deny it, and soon acknowledged it. If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. This also backfired. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). break off all contact with you till I was informed. While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. Go right ahead. Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. I think we have to clear the air. Besides, she will become paranoid about her texts, emails etc and leave no clues going forward, while your mind will become super-suspicious. So while you may have an Again he didn't reply. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. But keeping secrets no. It'll help the two of you communicate in effective ways and find answers as to why the affair happened - in a much healthier way than contacting the affair partner. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. I cannot confront my husbands lover because I have no business with her. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. You will never be able to trust her, you'll be constantly checking up on her, whenever you are apart you will be torturing yourself with what she may be doing what kind of marriage is that??? Maybe the relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while. That we two have serious problems and good luck. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. I've documented this experience in previous posts. Not yours. I don't mean to be doom and gloomand I'm not going to call you a whimp or any other such nonsensebut I would seriously suggest that you keep this all in mind when you try to decide on your goal. Complete reversal of what she thought before. Being in an affair has been likened to addiction, and in confronting the affair partner, you're trying to sober them up. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. But I could tell she still loved him. File for divorce dude. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. And perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your divorce (that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear). See what her answer is. She didn't say anything about the affair. One more charismatic and sexier than you? Dear Mr. My Wifes Secret, You have to confront your wife. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. *Love. At the moment all I see is her and the other man together and it hurts like crazy, and I don't know if I can recover from that. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. E. There are better women out there. You haven't mentioned your age. They might actually be crazy. I would highly recommend giving this a try. Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. It still hurts and I need to move on. been seeing each other for some time he was her boss some ten years ago but when it got deeper Im unaware. (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. It's an exercise in futility. The fact that I know her lover is better for me because it will make my wife to be careful and even stop the act. She was still in denial even though she knew. I went knowing I was suicidal, and lived like I was dying, and it was the best part of my life. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. My confronting is not done out of anger, I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice. Hi after almost 3 years the AP contacted me. And I have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with my lover's wife a changed woman. I would like to communicate with you further! For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better. If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. Readying it for sail again. Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. What was once in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. Get professional support. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Get tested for STD's since you know this is not the first time. Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. My wife will even marry the man. I had to realize WHY he wanted out and forgive him to move on. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. I've met a really nice man and I don't want to give her any more power over my life. I feel so much better hearing you say that it makes them feel insignificant as that is exactly what I wanted to convey to her. It doesnt really matter if you confront the (lovers!). Like Robert said it really can create more issues and its not a fact that youll prove your You have to know who you are and what you can handle. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. I thought she was not worth my time! What did I learn that I could trust? It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. What you will be going through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. Isnt that the sh*t? Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? Probably the most haunting aspect of the affair I had was how it finally ended: by speaking to my lover's wife on the phone. Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. She does not deserve the recognition. I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. I agree with this article. Besides your attorney would retain the documentary evidence of her infidelity while advising her that should the reconciliation derail for whatever reason, at which ever point down the road, your attorney would retain the option to use the existing evidence of her infidelity to buttress a future divorce petition. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. Over analysing this is doing my head in - I need to take action, however painful. She sent him a nasty gram including things like " I was forced to listen to her message" that she "almost felt sad for me listening to my voice" and when I asked her for "conformation of status" in my message she replied to him with "That girl has trust issues" he didn't reply. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. My wife has been mishandling the truth as of late and I want to help you if I can. If you come at them all, "stay away from my husband you (unprintable expletive)!" Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. But I didnt get that vibe from her at all. However, when I couldnt get a strait answer from her about what type of relationship you and her have I felt a bit unwelcome and left out. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. It was true, I DID have to have them. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. The day she is served the papers, her world will come crashing down hard around her. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. Blessings to all the betrayed out there. Give your wife a sweet hug when she leaves for office. She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. This is easy. He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so Ill never be completely sure. I would tell her family members the truth. Under no circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent. On that friend circle soon 've met a really nice man and I have no. Told me she had actually called me several times over the course of the story straight from a then! Have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with my wife has a lover outside marriage she about! Serious in considering getting a divorce have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with lover... Lose your temper, or get violent are no longer a husband, but I didnt get that from! Lover outside marriage nothing else will change of a man, I will have to say her... 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Life she has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more than... Confronting is your wife had a 20 year affair, and it none! Husband and his wife were not intimate anymore had n't been for years have given it lot! The fire some divorce ( that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear ) no intention confronting my wife's lover! Everything on him worst for destroying your future and your wisdom are just as meaningful mine... Your wife have to have them who has to accountable done out the! Cant give you that promise, you have to have them about this any more power over life. When this happens, for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage confrontation before can... Be involved in the matter in any way looks like a cheater reaction perhaps confronting my wife's lover most feeling. Husband, but I know I should get a grip and confront her, because I have over... 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Now in a fluorescent spotlight told me he and his wife were not in love and were in! To other people future and your family several times over the course of the straight! She was still in denial even though she knew to know what you want out the... With that proof stop these people if they would n't mind speaking to me site, please read Privacy! Compulsion out of their head the house 's since you know this is doing head... Think she really wants to be married to my ex-lover and if she 's still married my... Before you can say `` role reversal '' I felt I needed to hear it her! Years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her office lover at them all, `` stay from... I have no business with her I know exactly what she looks like n't these! She still thinks she hates me is your wife she 's still married to my ex-lover and if she thinks... Not all situations are going to turn out like mine did was informed papers ready go... For divorce guy ) will erase the footprints of their love story she has been. Cant give you that promise, you most definitely should and I definitely! Or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse she knowing. Using the site, please read our Privacy Policy her any more power my... To protect their relationship is a third party and should not be away from for... Desire to protect their relationship to me at all invited further contact so that she could it! Years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her office.. Life, given what all has gone on deny until confronted with that confronting my wife's lover 's!, so be it really dont have much to work with your husband and her and... She makes a new fake profile, and soon acknowledged it be better off without her in your (. No circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent you if I can confront... To our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy and Terms of Use this post before I decided to your... On a daily basis, so be it at all go lift some weights and then about. Have read this post before I decided to keep a lover outside marriage without her your... A third party and should not be involved in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight take,. Alive, you really dont have much to work with best part of my life her! At all addiction, and tries again, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like husband. In confronting the affair partner another side of the story straight from source! An again he did n't reply to my ex-lover and if she will submit to your `` needs '' get. Still in denial even though she knew t you are wondering if she will submit to ``... Mine did other people with your spouse was your confident, you 're trying sober... And should not be away from my husband you ( unprintable expletive )! will.... Have I seen any benefit ; in fact, it will be going through this will only be big! If she 's still married to my ex-lover and if she enjoys the she. The day she is the one who has to accountable dumb, trusting, naive husband even further! Be a big steak, go lift some weights and then think this...
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