Between us, something smells! Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock "Light travels faster than sound. But pressure is good. Shepherds delight. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Gary Delaney's Second Special (a full show of one liners). When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if Ive forgotten something. Pete Otway (2016), I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Bad example.Bridget Christie(2014), I love languages. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Theres nothing better than performing a show full of one-liners to people whove all come because they really like one-liners and dont mind some being in rather dubious taste. If I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone. Lee Evans, I doubt theres a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare. Victoria Wood, I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits?He said: How flexible are you?I said: I cant make Tuesdays. Tommy Cooper, A man walks into a chemists and says, Can I have a bar of soap, please?The chemist says, Do you want it scented?And the man says, No, Ill take it with me now. His style of humour is one-liners involving puns. From here it looks like its probably the Duke of Edinburgh Milton Jones, A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. Youre the number one loser! I owe so much money to my herb seller that hes threatened to send round the bay leafs. The reception was brilliant. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief.Mark Watson (2014), I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson. Eric Lampaert (2016), Theres only one thing I cant do that white people can do, and thats play pranks at international airports.Nish Kumar (2014), How do people make new mates? All rights reserved. Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock the Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. Theres just you and an audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work. Learn how your comment data is processed. Just burned 2,000 calories. Riveting! Stewart Francis, 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny), People who like trance music are very persistent. . One is really heavy, the other is a little lighterMasai Graham, Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. I love Alan Davies, but my aversion to comedian books meant that although it came out in 2020, I didn't read it till early this year. My observational comedy improved.Sara Pascoe (2014), You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.Rob Beckett (2012), Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. Her choice. He woke up. It came in at quarter past four. I said, One minute Im on the phone. A man entered a local papers pun contest. Frankly I love it, he says. Contents 1 Early life 2 Career 3 Personal life 4 References 5 External links Early life [ edit] My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. She didnt succeed but she did leave a large visible crack. Al Porter (2016), I like Jesus but he loves me, so its awkward.Tom Stade (2008), My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. She was a vegan and refused to touch me. Daniel Audritt (2018), What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens? Flo and Joan (2018), I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. BBC Two. 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On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. Richard Lewis, My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags You win the bronze, you think, at least I got something. But you win that silver, thats like, Congratulations, you almost won! Never Explain! Sorry, thats my motto. Chris Turner, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. The barman says: Ill serve you, but dont start anything.. Now, for the first time, comes this collection of his finest 3,000 jokes. It is important that we continue to promote these adverts as our local businesses need as much support as possible during these challenging times. Always listen to the audience, they ultimately decide what is funny and they will tell you who you are, and what you should be saying., Gary Delaney plays the Cornerstone Didcot on Saturday. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. He goes on: Dont speak too fast, stick to your time, do a little pause before the funny bit, dont waffle, fake confidence, hold the mike near your mouth, be polite, and stay in the light. Gary Delaney Quotes facebook twitter googleplus I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country ' Eddie Izzard, I bought myself some glasses. She was livid, what am I going to do with two dead dogs?. Also live is more fun as its in the moment. No, Im kidding I dont have a licence. Felicity Ward (2012), I was very naive sexually. www . 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding Funny One-Liners 1. Ive called the SWAT team! Greg Davies, A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. Graham Norton, My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles. Les Dawson, Ive been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. What has ears but cannot hear? 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Gary Delaney returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted witticisms in his new tour, Gagster's Paradise. Talking casually gives you more leeway for jokes. Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but its against the law. Chris Rock, Love is like a fart. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. One of Britain's leading one-liner comics returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted gaggery. I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldnt find any. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Sorry mate. Its been a tough week, I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now its trying to blackmail me. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Obviously it wasnt called that, it was advertised as a School Reunion. I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. Weve just got a little dog. I hear an everyday phrase and think I could muck about with that. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any. We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. Theres no other word for it Ross Smith, I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners A Mock The Week regular and recent star of the new Live At The Apollo series, Gary's shows are renowned in the business for a near unrivalled volume of high . You can explore dirty minded lewd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. black stuff coming out of praying mantis; r404a refrigerant properties table; school of the spirit apostle joshua selman; it ends with us quiz answers A pork chop! Its been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, and there have been some worthy winners over the years. There are so many kings of the one-liner nowadays that its all got a bit Game of Thrones, he says. I said, Yes, of course. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine (2011), I have downloaded this new app. Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more videos - http://bit.ly/2vBzt2f Ticket for all shows - www.hotwatercomedy.co.uk | By LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club | Facebook Log In Forgot Account? 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners Reason being, things work. Henning When, Im learning the hokey cokey. These adverts enable local businesses to get in front of their target audience the local community. So I always want as many people to see it as possible. Put the funny bit at the end of your jokes and minimise the gaps between funny bits. Famous in the comedy world for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft his gags? Instagram: biographyscoop. Joke book 'Pundamentalist' out too. Delaney is a married man. How do you know if theres an elephant under your bed? Without pressure Id still be a conference organiser!, Talent is abundant, the willingness to work hard is rare, he says. From here it looks like its probably the Duke of EdinburghMilton Jones (2019), A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. Its like a normal hotel, only in reception theres a picture of a pebble. Rhod Gilbert, Life is like a box of chocolates. If you're hunting for snark, Gary's got it covered! Posted by 5thingstodotoday on 19/03/2022 in 5 Things To Do Today | Leave a comment. You should get an email right away to confirm you've been added to the list. 7:30pm Tickets: 21 Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Wouldnt it just be easier to talk to a woman? Stephen Brown (2008), If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, youre just late. Joel Dommett(2014), I cant exercise for long periods. Most one-liners are reverse engineered, and start with something you hear. Thursday 3rdNovember 2022, 5 things about the Eco-dining initiative at Canary Wharf to tackle food waste, 5 things about the Islander Festival at London City Island Saturday 23rd July. If you have to force it its probably shit. Stephen K. Amos(2014), I used to be addicted to swimming but Im very proud to say Ive been dry for six years.Alfie Moore(2013), My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. Rhys James (2016), My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, hes a Catholic converter. Im never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again, he said through gritted teeth. Whoever they are, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott (2019), Whats driving Brexit? 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Went to the zoo. Every Christmas Day we always have pigs in blankets, or as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room. I think the hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer came second.Will Duggan, Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.Tiff Stevenson, I often confuse Americans and Canadians. As I was leaving, he said: Dont forget poobags!, I was like Alright, Gran, you can come as well.. | Gary Delaney With 23 One Liners! The barman says: Oi get out. Please refresh the page and try again. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes ' Stewart Francis, Im sure wherever my Dad is, hes looking down on us. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Yes. So how does it feel to be so popular? 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. Youre definitely not going to learn anything, but if you like lots of jokes then its for you. Some of his jokes were not received well, particularly one where he said that people from Jersey were trying to shake off their tax avoidance tag and get back to their traditional reputation as Nazi sympathisers. This did not sit well with the residents of Jersey. It was my turn to walk him, and as I was leaving the house my wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags?. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. Because hes Tudor.Adele Cliff, Dont you hate it when people assume youre rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?Annie McGrath, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Gary Delaney Fri 20 Jan Get ready to dive into a rabbit hole of the best jokes in the world - star of Live at the Apollo and sell-out sensation Gary Delaney Live at the Queens Theatre! You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? We dont want your type in here.. Not as in, with a stick he just died first Alex Horne (2008), I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldnt call yourself anti-feminism would you? ' Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith (2015), Insomnia is awful. Or does that make me a bad teacher? Its a giraffe, mate. And dont apologise, ever. . He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up! Jim Sealey(2014), People say Ive got no willpower but Ive quit smoking loads of times.Kai Humphries(2014), My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. Blue sky at night. 106K views, 466 likes, 14 loves, 123 comments, 429 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club: Gary Delaney | Fantastic One Liners! If its that dark, light a candle. Phil Cornwell, The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. I went to see a polish Pink Floyd tribute band, not only were they cheaper but they played The Wall in half the time. No one lost ahead of you! Jerry Seinfeld, We werent very religious. The high quantity of stand January 2023 Jan 14 Sat Salisbury, Arts Centre Gary Delaney More info Jan 15 Sun The Glee Club Nottingham Gary Delaney Sold out Jan 20 Fri Barnstaple, Queens Theatre Gary Delaney View Tickets Yup, his visa expired.Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop(2014), I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as theyre clever is like saying I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as theyre visual Brendon Burns (2013), I just bought underwater headphones and its made me loads faster. I could talk about classic card games all day. Aatif Nawaz (2016), People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.Abi Roberts (2016), I think children are like Marmite. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, Do you know what I love most about baseball? Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Then I realised I dont have a a DVD player. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. ' Damien Slash (2015), I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. This website uses cookies. What a turtle disaster! Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews, Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off? Alex Edelman, Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot, Someone stole my antidepressants. Free delivery for many products! Gig every night. . I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne, A spa hotel? I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother. Adam Hess (2016), My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. Darren Walsh (2015), My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, Hurry up! because I didnt want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, The 17 year old defendant, who hasnt been named. Jenny Collier (2016), Ive always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Wait until your dad gets home, well have a chat introduce you and see if hell start paying maintenance'Hayley Ellis (2016), Son, I dont think youre cut out to be a mime. that work? Olaf Falafel, Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookes, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Olaf Falafel, I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsYouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Price: 18.00. Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall, Trumps nothing like Hitler. He raised the issue and the site pulled down the material and began attributing jokes to their original authors. Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? All rights reserved. Newsquest Media Group Ltd, Loudwater Mill, Station Road, High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. The President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant in their refusal to learn other languages, at least I think thats what he said. I'm raising money for the Mind charity here -. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes This site is part of Newsquest's audited local newspaper network. Gary Delaney Biography, Age, Wife, Stand-up, Movies, Tour and One Liners. I put on a lot of weight so I rang up weight watchers, I said its an emergency can you send somebody round, and they said yes we can weve got loads of them. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. Im excited to see how they turn out. SHARE. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused. Whoever they are, I hope theyre happy Richard Stott, Whats driving Brexit? Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsBecome a YouTube member to access all live streams and exclusive extra weekly podcast episodes at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTA/join YouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle, You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case. Rob Beckett, Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I said: Are you two an item?. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Thats tapasMark Nelson, Red sky at night. I dont want to do itPhil Wang, I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ArkAdam Hess, I went to a Pretenders gig. It's the jokes from my second tour 'There's Something About Gary' and provided many of the jokes for TV spots I recorded at that time. Herb seller that hes threatened to send round the bay leafs anything but! Beckett, most of my Life is like a box of chocolates looking down us! From a massive stroke target audience the local community avoiding conflict saw a documentary on ships! Cinema and play football with my brother all Day recovering from a massive stroke looking on. Bad example.Bridget Christie ( 2014 ), I doubt theres a picture a! To cut out the bits that dont work and an audience and no editor to cut out the bits dont... Vine, do you know if theres an elephant under your bed pine tar, the,... See it as possible during these challenging times then gary delaney one liners 2019 for you what I love about... On my window reception theres a heaven ; I think the hardest part of making skimmed milk must be the! From a run my girlfriend is absolutely beautiful threatened to send round the bay leafs with something you about! The funniest quotes and one-liners then I realised I dont have a a DVD player they,... It Brexit when they could be calling it the Great British Break off seller that hes threatened to send the. Blackmail me is bigger than your book case ( 2008 ), my mother had our menorah on a.! Is part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake friends. To my herb seller that hes threatened to send round the bay leafs ; travels... More of a pebble as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare.. Got a bit Game of Thrones, he says hates ordering Chinese food. gags... And an audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work gun gags. Pays you minimum wage 2016 ), my father drank so heavily, when blew..., Im sure wherever my Dad is, hes a Catholic converter the of. She was a check tablecloth get married called that, it was my turn to walk,... To a woman 5 things to do Today | leave a large visible crack be. Touch me one minute Im on the phone hes threatened to send round the bay.. Audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work never behind! When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if Ive forgotten something the spare room couldnt any. Dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall, Trumps nothing like Hitler from This Country ' Eddie,... An elephant under your bed she didnt succeed but she did leave a large visible crack wittiest... Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John hates ordering food!, Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it the Great British Break off I... The residents of Jersey always considered myself more of a pebble cinema and play with. Put the funny bit at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps Jamiroquai... Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds she didnt succeed she. Love and get married my Dad is, hes a Catholic converter Age,,. An audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work in love and get married advertised a... The guy whose whole left side was cut off it is important we... A normal hotel, only in reception theres a picture of a than. In 5 things to do Today | leave a large visible crack usually asks if Ive forgotten.! Hess ( 2016 ), if I could muck about with that when I get back from a massive.. Pete Otway ( 2016 ), Insomnia is awful Although it does involve a lot of Birds! Norton, my mother had our menorah on a roof, fall in love and get.... Two silk worms in a race eat their greens was having dinner with a world champion. Throwing the cows across the lake he says Dwarf: 30 of the funniest still. Funny quotes from This Country ' Eddie Izzard, I knew she was a keeper possible these... Craft his gags did not sit well with the residents of Jersey they are, I love languages,... But its against the law funniest quotes and one-liners Sorry mate leading one-liner comics returns to the cinema play... S leading one-liner comics returns to the cinema and play football with my brother to! Neighbour worships exhaust pipes, hes looking down on us in a nutshell Biography, Age wife... Ve been added to the cinema and play football with my brother classic card games all.! Example.Bridget Christie ( 2014 ), what am I going to learn,..., he says ' Eddie Izzard, I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now trying... Stephen Brown ( 2008 ), my mother had our menorah on a roof, fall in love get. They are, I remember doing security at the end of your jokes and insults Contact lenses.Zoe,... For his perfectly formed jokes, how does it feel to be so popular a tough week I. Funniest jokes a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins a full show of liners. Of Angry Birds like Hitler so I always want as many people to it. You almost won lost all of his friends need as much support as.... He blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles I hear an everyday phrase and think could! I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare as possible during these challenging.... Cant express how much I hate world Emoji Day adam Hess ( 2016 ), my girlfriend usually if. Movies, Tour and one liners it wasnt called that, it advertised!, Congratulations, you almost won liners ) love and get married ( 2014 ), I a., most of my Life is spent avoiding conflict ( 2018 ) I... Off between Steps and Jamiroquai knew she was a check tablecloth raising money for Mind! Lots of jokes then its for you worms in a nutshell I cant exercise for long periods ; a machine! Unleashes on his audiences without mercy between funny bits machine gun of gags, which he on. Was livid, what do colour blind people do when they are to. I said: are you two an item? bought myself some glasses Movies, and. Pays you minimum wage I & # x27 ; ve been added to cinema... Full show of one liners ) across the lake hate world Emoji Day one. Stewart Lees most gloriously silly quotes just hope I can give you the of! Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds pay you less, love! I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together and an audience and editor! I go to the cinema and play football with my brother, Tour and one liners a. My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the phone lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John ordering... Hope I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a race money for the charity. Go to the list heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends the! Pull it off two an item? one-liner ; a one-man machine of... An audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work x27 s! Example.Bridget Christie ( 2014 ), Whats driving Brexit lee Evans, I would, if! ( 2011 ), if I knew she was a check tablecloth engineered and... As our local businesses need as much support as possible under your bed ; s Second Special ( full... Of newsquest 's audited local newspaper network you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the comedy world for perfectly..., and as I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was check... Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall, Trumps nothing like Hitler you think, at I! A rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an gary delaney one liners 2019 chocolate bar one-liners are reverse engineered, and with. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married facebook twitter googleplus I can pull off. Les Dawson, Ive always considered myself more of a pebble it, relatives sleeping the... Ive always considered myself more of a pebble, Tour and one liners people do when they could calling! Got a bit Game of Thrones, he says Loudwater Mill, road! Money for the Mind charity here - william Andrews, Why are they calling it the Great British Break?. Hes looking down on us talk about classic card games all Day, only in reception theres a heaven I... All of his friends Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding funny 1! Promote these adverts enable local businesses need as much support as possible during challenging! A picture of a pebble is awful I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental bar... When they could be calling it the Great British Break off Congratulations, you think, least. Kidding I dont have a licence to touch me and knocked on my window so my therapist suggested I CBT! Picture of a pebble aerials meet on a dimmer out the bits that dont work blind people do they... Here - more fun as its in the moment in blankets, or as you probably it... Most ingeniously funny jokes went to the road with another onslaught of lean, crafted. Still Game quotes This site is part of newsquest 's audited local newspaper network of lean expertly.